With Oscar season finally winding down, and all but the very last “The Social Network got totally shafted” grumbles fading in the distance, it’s time for America to get excited about a brand new type of awards show: The 2011 Fanfic Awards!
Featuring standout entries from obsessive fans whose dedication to their craft is no less impressive than academy-award winning actors’ dedication to their roles—and certainly more impressive than James Franco’s dedication to not being a shitty host—the awards come in four categories:
MOST MUNDANE-SOUNDING STORY
LEAST-LIKELY TO HAVE FANFIC WRITTEN ABOUT IT(BUT DOES)
and everyone's favorite,
ABSOLUTELY CRAZIEST PREMISE
And without further ado, the nominees for most mundane-sounding story:
AVATAR- Miranda Sully, Jake's sister, arrived on Pandora during the last battle and finds a wounded Tsu'tey. What Does Eywa have plan for the Na'vi and Dream walker? Can yet another na'vi x human bonding blossom
JURASSIC PARK- What if when the storm hit Jurassic Park and the dinosaurs were are released from their enclosures, the raptors grabbed one of the workers. What will happen to her
MARIO-The third in the Super Koopa trilogy. It's been nine years since Bowser's wife returned, and peace reigns. the mushroom kinggom is at peace
HARRY POTTER-Tonks and Snape discuss Latin, debate colours and appreciate silence.
The nominees for least-likely to have fanfic written about it:
'Oedipus Rex' by Sophocles- Oedipus is reincarnate as the Boss of the leading gang of Baltimore, how does he handle the truth of his life
The Cosby Show- This is a poem about Five Li'l Cosby kids! I made when i was hyper!So don't criticize
'As I Lay Dying' by William Faulkner- Kaytee Johnson, a few words can sum up her life, superficial, arrogance, ignorant and selfish,and thinks the worlds revolves around her, but the worst thing about her is that she is unable to see what is right in front of her, the love of her life
Pong- The arena roars in anticipation of the battle of a lifetime. Two titans clash, one will fall, one will triumph. Don't miss out on this epic of bloody, thunderous proportions. You'll regret it.
Yes, there is pong fanfic.
And finally, the nominees for craziest premise:
DRACO MALFOY: GAY VAMPIRE
Draco, the Ice Prince, is now a Cauchemar Vampire, a nightmare from hell. And he's choosen the least likely person to be his mate: Harry Potter. Can the two boys make it through the year
BELLA SWAN: HOLOCAUST SURVIVOR
Bella and her jewish/french family are living during WW2. What happens when Hitler invades France? How will she survive? Who will she meet in the camps? Who will she fall in love with? Never see this coming.
CHARLIE BROWN: DEAD
A killer invades the tiny town where the peanuts live, and drops people like flies
DARTH MAUL: GIRL SCOUT KILLER
Girl Scout Cookie Selling Season meets temper crazy Sith Lord. Attempting to kill a girl scout w/ a light saber
Since there are no winners in fan-fiction, we hope you’ve enjoyed seeing the nominees. Thanks for watching, and be sure to tune in to next year’s show. With 200,000 Pokemon entries alone, there’s bound to be a lot to choose from.
-Bill Driscoll
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